“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
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Made something I’m not proud of
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Awesome parenting 😂
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.