Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
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9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.