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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“Huge”.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.