Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
It’s the weekend y’all
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.