*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”