What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
You Might Also Like
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Girl, same.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Accurate
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Wednesday
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.