Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Not messing around
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital