“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Stick it to the man
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games