Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
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I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Its true…
sin harder.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.