At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
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I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Modded the new Gran Turismo
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?