My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
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Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]