WHAT SIGN IS SHE
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me