Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
You Might Also Like
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
my name if I was in the mob
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.