If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
You Might Also Like
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*