I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it