when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?