“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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Now this is how you LinkedIn
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
much to think about
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Yup