I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
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Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.