Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny