Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Accurate
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.