I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire