Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
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It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
pat pat
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.