lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS