Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks