This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?