Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
nature’s most graceful animal
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Always
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.