me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.