BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
This squirrel eats better than I do
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.