How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt