If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*limbos under the caution tape
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”