I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
even bears disappoint their mothers
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.