Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Merry Christmas
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Something Saturday.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.