Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
More like Kate Missington.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.