If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
*frowns in Scottish*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My birthstone is kidney
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.