“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
moms in horror movies
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello