me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
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Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I want to meet the individual who made this
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
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