Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
When I laugh on my period
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story