She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
You Might Also Like
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
nobody’s gonna understand
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
then why did i get this email
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.