I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.