Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
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This hospital has everything
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I won鈥檛 get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people鈥檚 tweets.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
It was to keep our furry overlords content馃槈
Tax tip: Even if it鈥檚 true, never list your dog as head of household. They鈥檒l roll over under audit.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can鈥檛 stop until you鈥檝e peeled your entire face off.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I鈥檓 so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: I really like your glasses. They鈥檙e so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn鈥檛 be allowed to speak 馃槀
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Attacked by a mop.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can 锛筹嫉锛辑锛籍 锛わ讥锛集锛汲
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?