the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
translated into Canadian
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If snakes were wide
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.