have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
You Might Also Like
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen