Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
asked my bf how work was today
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.