Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
c’mon!
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.