Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut