7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
ouch
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.