I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
You Might Also Like
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird