“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Can’t, holding a grudge
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”