What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I ate everything, including the H.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
ACED my prostate exam!
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.