Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
You’ll be OK
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
When someone trying to leave me
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.